To: Central Science Bureau, Planet Xymorg.
From: Forward Observation Base, Dark Side of Sole Moon, Planet Terra, Sol System
Re: Initial Observations
Central Bureau,
Enclosed please find the report on our observations of the inhabitants of planet Terra (aka “Earth”).
Methods
Our team observed the inhabitants of Terra via an extensive observation of “Advertisements” – a Terran form of content carefully calibrated to simultaneously reflect and suggest reality.
As Terrans accept this as reality, so shall this experiment.
Findings
According to statistics compiled from ten solar cycles of observation of Terran “Advertising”, we conclude the following:
Social Hierarchy: Terran social hierarchy appears to be organized, in descending order of social standing:
- Females of the species, of all ages and ethnicities. Observation of human advertisements indicates females of the species comprise the executive, management, professional, warrior and intellectual classes. They appear to be the sole capable decision makers.
- Children – again of all ages and ethnicities.
- Males of most age and ethnic classes, who apparently are considerably less capable as executives, managers, professional sand warriors than the women.
- Males of the “caucasoid” class. Analysis of “advertising” content indicates adult caucasian males are a highly specialized subspecies adapted to and adept in “home improvement” and “hardware stores” and shopping for beer, and otherwise of no value to human social structures.. A subset of this class appear to be predisposed to being masterminds of what terrans call “evil”..
Social structure: Terran families appear to fall into three categories, displayed in descending order of statistial occurrence:
- Matched pairs of males and females, from different ethnic categories. Regardless of respective ethnicity, the social dynamics observed reflect the observations above; the females are the decision makers, while the males of all ethnicities appear to be incapable of any executive function.
- Matched pairs of caucasian males and females. In these couples, again, the patterns noted above are observed; the female makes the decisions, with the males apparently unable to function in this capacity outside the aforementioned categories (“home improvement” and “beer”).
- Matched same-gender pairs, who are apparently the sole classification of coupling comprised of competent equals.
Manifestations of Society: Observations of the “advertising” content indicate that human activity is overwhelmingly focused on:
- Medicating ailments
- Preparing and Consuming food
- An apparently constant, possibly ceremonial refabrication of their dwellings – roofs, windows, floors and waste removal facilities. This appears to take on religious significance .
Social Hierarchy: The Terran social hierarchy as observed in “advertising” content appears to be based around a triune religio-governmental structure:
- “Real Housewives” – these are apparently centralized councils of female rulers and their retinues of male drones (see observations above)
- An executive authority composed of a deified “Oprah”, with vice-deities “Beyoncé” and “Taylor Swift”
Further study is warranted.